Captain vs Cap'n
by Genericktag
Summary: A dangerous new villain captures a member of the Avengers, and Captain America is sent to investigate. On the case, he uncovers a dangerous conspiracy that threatens the very world! MCU continuity.


"Dad," said Hawkeye's son one morning over the family breakfast. "If everyone knows that Thor is a real person, how come we aren't all worshipping the Norse gods right now as the true religion?"

Hawkeye swallowed his mouthful of Raisin Bran cereal. "Well son, Thor isn't actually a god. He's an alien from another dimension...or something...whatever. The Asgardians just had such advanced technology that humans of the time couldn't understand it, and believed they were gods."

"But didn't the Vikings believe that the gods wanted them to fight and die in battles so that they could go to Valhalla? If Thor is a good guy and he had such advanced technology, why would he let the people who believed in him travel around Europe slaughtering innocents and razing their villages?"

"Are you going to eat the rest of your Shredded Wheat?" asked Hawkeye, spoon hovering over his son's bowl.

Suddenly, there was a deafening crash! The wall of Hawkeye's farm house buckled and caved in as the bow of a huge, old-fashioned ship burst into the dining area. Hawkeye dove from his seat, trying to protect his family with his own body. From the ship a gangplank was lowered and a large group of men streamed down, surrounding them. The men were dressed in cartoonish looking sailor suits and held large, threatening looking ray guns. As Hawkeye struggled to get to his feet, one last man made his way down the gangplank, taking slow, deliberate steps. Gradually, a silhouette became visible through the settling dust of the collapsed wall, until finally the man appeared in full. He wore a large blue bicorn hat with a golden capital "C" printed in the centre, and an old fashioned naval uniform with golden buttons and epaulettes. He had a large grey handlebar moustache, each side of which appeared to sprout from his nostrils instead of his face. An unsettling pair of eyebrows simply floated above his eerily large eyes.

"Who the hell are you?" Hawkeye challenged the strange intruder.

"Oh, you don't recognize me?" said the man. He walked over to the breakfast table, clicking his tongue along the way. "Well, I suppose you don't, eating wholesome breakfast cereal like Raisin Bran and Shredded Wheat." He made a face as though the mere mention of these brand names left a bad taste in his mouth. "My name is Horatio Magellan Crunch. But as I will soon be your new master, you may refer to me by a much simpler title. _Cap'n Crunch!_ "

"I don't think so!" said Hawkeye, preparing to fight this strange new villain.

Cap'n Crunch turned away from the table. His back to the family, he gave them a dismissive wave. "Crunch-a-tize them!"

The sailor men fired their ray guns at Hawkeye and his family. Screaming, they were disintegrated into hundreds of pieces of sugary Cap'n Crunch cereal, which slipstreamed upwards onto the ship. The clouds of oaty goodness clustered together in the ship's brig until the bodies of Hawkeye's family eventually rematerialized, trapped behind bars!

The sailors went back into formation, marching their way back up gangplank. The ship reversed course, disappearing into the grey haze of the morning, taking Hawkeye and his family with it!

Sometime later, a brand new Audi rolled up in front of Hawkeye's house. The driver's side door opened, and out of this perfectly product placed car stepped Captain Steve Rogers, known and loved nationwide as Captain America. He approached a woman who was crouched near the ruined wall of Hawkeye's home, inspecting the area for evidence.

"Natasha," Steve said, taking in the horrific sight before him. "Do we have any idea what happened here?"

Natasha Romanov, a.k.a Black Widow, stood up and handed him a large file folder from over her shoulder. "It matches the cases you'll find in this dossier."

Steve began to look through the files. Inside were photos of ruined houses and wrecked cars.

"We have some intel." Natasha continued. "The guy goes by the name 'Cap'n Crunch' and commands some sort of amphibious ship known as the _Guppy._ Recently he developed a new super weapon he calls the 'Crunch-a-tizer,' which he uses to kidnap entire families from their homes. Hell, he's even nabbed a few from moving cars on the highway."

"But why? What's his end goal?"

"The rumour is he takes anyone he thinks isn't buying enough of his cereal, then forces them to work on his ship as slaves. They make the cereal there, and he makes a tidy profit not having to pay any labour costs."

"And now he's taken Clint and his family!" Steve said. "I think we need to track down this Cap'n Crunch and pay him a visit!"

"The Quaker Oats headquarters is probably the best place to start." Natasha suggested. "Supposedly they're the ones distributing the stuff for him. Hopefully you can find what you need there."

Steve raised an eyebrow. "You're not coming?"

Black Widow shrugged. "Sorry Cap. They're only paying me to do one cameo this time."

"What?"

"Uh, I mean I'm going to be too busy training the new Avengers recruits or something."

"But Clint is your best friend! He named one of his kids after you!" Steve argued.

"LALALALALALALALA! DUTY CALLS GOTTA GO CAP! LALALALALALALALA!" Black Widow ran away with her hands clapped over her ears.

Steve shrugged his shoulders. "Welp. Guess it's all up to me this time."

* * *

Later that night, Steve Rogers, now dressed in his full Captain America gear, crouched outside the headquarters of the Quaker Oats Company. Cap'n Crunch cereal was shipped out of this facility every morning, suggesting that the Cap'n himself would arrive during the night to make the drop for the goods. In one hand, Captain America held his mighty shield. In the other, he held a box of nutritious Special K cereal, which he periodically poured into his mouth to maintain his strength through the long hours of watching for suspicious activity.

Finally, around one in the morning, it happened. Captain America heard the ship approaching through the darkness, and the doors to the loading bay behind the building opened. From inside stepped a man dressed in the hat and clothes of a 17th century Quaker, ready to meet the _Guppy_.

"So the Quaker Oats Man himself takes in the shipments of the stuff. That's interesting," Captain America mused to himself. He watched as the ship rolled up to deliver its ill cargo. The gangplank came down, and Cap'n Crunch appeared with a box of his cereal in hand. With a slight nod, he offered the box to the Quaker Oats Man, who reached in and selected a single piece of the cereal. Captain America heard him munch on it, but didn't waste any more time. Silently, he crept up the gangplank behind the Cap'n's back, making his way up and onto the ship.

It was obvious that Cap'n Crunch was not one to suspect any sort of sneak attacks. The guard detail on the ship was sparse, with most of the crew standing beside large cardboard boxes packed to the brim with sweet breakfast delights, preparing to carry them down when the deal was made. Captain America hid behind box after box, trying to take in the design of the ship and figure out where Hawkeye and his family may be being kept. Eventually, as the crew began to unload the cargo, Captain America found a small hatch that led below deck into the dark, foul smelling brig of the _Guppy_. Each cell therein contained multiple occupants, many of them showing signs of mouth injuries commonly seen after consuming too much Cap'n Crunch in too many sittings: palette pain, roof cuts, bleeding gums, and rotting teeth.

"Clint!" Captain America whisper-shouted. "Clint! Can you hear me?"

"Cap?" That was Hawkeye's voice! "Captain America! I'm over here!"

Captain America followed the sound of Hawkeye's voice into one of the corners of the brig. He found Hawkeye and his family locked in a particularly dreary cell.

"Get us out of here Captain!" Hawkeye said. "And you and I can take down these grain dealing criminals together!"

"Stand back!" Captain America instructed. Hawkeye and the rest of his family did as they were told. Captain America raised his mighty shield and hurled it at the lock on the cell door. A great "CLANG!" rang out as the door was busted open and the shield returned to the hero's hand. Hawkeye slid the door open and turned to his family.

"You all stay here until Captain America and I clear the way. We'll come back for you when it's safe." Turning to Captain America, he said: "I know where they've stashed my bow, and they don't know that you've set us free. If you can distract them for a few minutes, I should be able to take them by surprise."

Captain America nodded. "Good plan, Hawkeye! I'll meet you out there."

The two heroes left the brig before splitting off in two different directions. Captain America hoped that they hadn't wasted too much time. As he came up on deck, he saw that he was lucky, Cap'n Crunch and the Quaker Oats Man were only now exchanging a large briefcase, presumably full of large scale banknotes.

"Well well!" Captain America said, announcing his prescence to the villains. "Cap'n Crunch and the Quaker Oats Man. Looks like I've caught you red-handed in a shady deal! If you're smart you'll come quietly and explain all of this to the authorities yourself!"

"Captain America!" cried the Quaker Oats Man. Cap'n Crunch just smiled.

"I'm glad you recognize me, Captain," said the Cap'n. "It's more than I can say for your friend Hawkeye. No matter, he and his family will make for excellent workers in my cereal factories. But then, you already knew that I had him in my grasp. That's why you've come, isn't it?"

The Quaker Oats Man turned on his companion. "Crunch you fool! You Crunch-a-tized a member of the Avengers? Now they will all be after us!"

"Calm yourself and watch your tongue old man," said Cap'n Crunch. "I have dealt with forces that you and the Avengers could scarcely fathom. Do you really think I act only in my own interest?" He now addressed Captain America. "If you have any sense at all you will leave me alone in my affairs, Captain."

"I'm afraid that's not possible, Crunch. You will face justice!"

Cap'n Crunch waved his hand, and suddenly Captain America was face to face with the crew of the _Guppy_ , wielding their devilish Crunch Guns. Captain America raised his shield in front of him to intercept the Crunch-a-tization rays as the sailors fired on him, but there was no way to tell how long the vibranium could hold up against such a fiendish barrage. Boldly, Captain America rushed head on at the muscle bound men in front him, knocking two of them aside at once with his shield. A throw, and the shield pinballed off of a third, fouth, and fifth enemy, rendering all of them unconscious. The final two members of the crew tried to sneak up on him, but ever the alert soldier, Captain America had kept track of their movements throughout the entirety of the one-sided battle. He spun around, socking both of them in the jaw at the same time! The sailors crumpled to the deck in a heap.

"Screw this, I'm out of here!" screamed the Quaker Oats Man. He turned and began to run, but didn't make it far. Cap'n Crunch merely pointed his finger at the fleeing mascot, and in an instant the Quaker Oats Man had been reduced to a pile of Crunch-a-tized cereal. Captain America tensed at this show of unbridled power.

"You see Captain, the power my men hold in their Crunch Guns is only a fraction of the ability that has been bestowed upon me." Cap'n Crunch said. "Your mighty shield? It will be nothing against the power of Crunch-a-tization. And then you will be defenseless! You will join your friend Hawkeye as my slave! Send all the Avengers you wish. Eventually you will all become my personal navy!"

Captain America had heard enough. He hurled his shield straight at the villain's head. Cap'n Crunch ducked low, the shield narrowly missing the top of his hat. The evil Cap'n bent forward, and Captain America saw that his epaulettes were glowing with and eery golden light. Suddenly Captain America realized what was happening. Those weren't epaulettes at all! They were a pair of shoulder-mounted Crunch-a-tization cannons!

In the nick of time, Captain America's red, white and blue shield returned to his hand. Cap'n Crunch began to shoot a barrage of rapid fire Crunch-a-tization rays straight at the Avenger's heart! Captain America blocked each blast, but to his horror he saw that each shot was chipping away at his nigh-indestructible shield. Captain America was stuck between the proverbial rock and a hard place. To throw his shield now would mean instant Crunch-a-tization, but he could only hold out like this for so long!

 _Fwip!_

There was the sound of an arrow cutting its way through the air. Hawkeye had finally retrieved his equipment, and from somewhere in the dark he was firing unseen upon the unsuspecting Cap'n Crunch.

 _Chunk!_

The arrow embedded itself in the Cap'n's right shoulder cannon. It made a short beeping noise, and then-

BOOM!

The arrow exploded, taking the Cap'n's cannon along with it!

"No!" Cap'n Crunch cried out.

Captain America saw his opportunity. He threw his shield directly at Cap'n Crunch's other shoulder. It slammed into the left cannon, busting through the casing and cutting it almost in two.

"The energy! My powers! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Cap'n Crunch, the final source of his Crunch-a-tization rays imploding in upon itself. Defeated, Cap'n Crunch dropped to his knees.

Captain America turned to Hawkeye as he emerged from the darkness. "Great shot Hawkeye! You really saved my bacon there."

"I couldn't have done it without you coming to save me first, Captain." Hawkeye smiled. "You know, by the time we take Cap'n Crunch in and clear everything up, we'll be just in time for breakfast. Care to join me for some Grape Nuts?"

"I'd be delighted to, Hawkeye." Captain America said with a nod. "Let's get these people home."

* * *

A short, red-headed man sat at a long table, preparing to poor a jug of milk over his bowl of marshmallow filled cereal. The door at the other end of the room opened, and a large, humanoid tiger entered.

"Heeeeeeeeeeeee failed!" shouted the tiger-man, identified by the name "Tony" written on the red ascot tied around his neck.

The man at the end of table got up off of his chair. He walked over to a small display case at the side of the room and opened it, removing a golden gauntlet. Embedded in the gauntlet were eight talismans, each representing a facet of this man's power. A heart, a star, a rainbow. A clover and blue moon. A pot of gold and horseshoe, and the red balloon.

The short man spoke with a thick Irish brogue. "Fine," he said, inserting his hand into the gauntlet. "I'll do it me'self."


End file.
